Planning a wedding resembles having a baby... everyone around you feels permitted to give directions and share advice. "You must have your husband's sisters as your bridesmaids." "Don't wait longer than one month to send out your thank you notes." "Only family members sit in the reserved pews at the church." "Don't drink alcohol at your own reception." Amidst all the chatter, how does any bride separate the rules of etiquette from mere suggestions and opinions? A wedding planner helps... either on paper or in person. Online sites, brick-and-mortar book stores, and libraries devote full sections and hundreds of titles to the topic. Be sure to focus on respectable sources ("Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette," for one) versus the flimsy tomes on throwing the perfect bachelorette weekend. Also, check the copyright date... you don't want to purchase or borrow anything older than 10 years, as customs do change with the times. While many aspects have not changed, a 1937 edition of Emily Post advises accessing the "Social Register" to select those names who should be invited to the ceremony, to both the ceremony and reception, and who will receive announcements only. Few brides today start their invitation lists in this way!
Wedding planners who offer flexible services versus set-in-stone packages would be happy to sit down and answer any questions that arise. Search in local wedding publications or probe friends who have married in the area for a recommendation. Wedding planners have often dealt with virtually any situation, or else heard about them from a colleague and can provide a neutral viewpoint. Keep an ongoing list and wait to schedule an appointment once you have many questions and concerns to discuss. Planners likely charge by the hour and may incur a fee if you come back asking for additional information.
Asking friends for advice can be beneficial, if the situation echoes your own. If you are working through the intricacies of a divorced family, ask a friend with step families how she mired through the seating arrangements. Or if you have your heart set on an intimate affair, check with a fellow bride who had to send wedding announcements to friends and family who could not be included. Hearing directly from someone who has a "been there, done that" mentality will not only help you figure out your own issue but they can also be a sounding board to commiserate about the frustrations involved!
Abiding all the rules of etiquette can not only become tedious, but expensive as well... after all, who but the wealthy aristocrats would deem it necessary to print a stash of special "calling cards" listing their names to leave with the butler when visiting friends? When manners outweigh money, list in order of personal importance the protocol you wish to follow. There was a time when it was mandatory to provide lodging to the entire wedding party who traveled to share the special day. However, few are lucky enough to have either the required number of bedrooms at home nor the funds to pay $299 (plus tax) a night. Instead, you can assist the party by providing transportation from hotel to the festivities so they won't have to manage in an unfamiliar town.
Weddings can be daunting affairs; the emotions of joining your life with another are enough to keep you occupied. But when dealing with all the decisions and steps to take, etiquette can help answer the multitude of questions you will have. No one (perhaps but the exceptional Ms. Post) knows every detail and how to proceed with every conceivable situation. If you use etiquette to guide you, rather than ironclad rules that MUST be followed, it can be a helpful way to see you through to the wedding day.
--Jennifer Mackethan